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“O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” 

~Psalm 63:1~

I’ve suffered from chronic daily headaches/migraines for the last ten years.  For those of you who have ever been in a situation where you or someone in your family has had a chronic condition, you know all of the challenges that come along with the territory.  I can honestly say that I am grateful to God for this “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7).  There are MANY things that I hate about this illness, but the depth that it has produced in my relationship and dependence on Christ is a blessing that far exceeds the negative impact it has had on my life.

My journey with Christ has taken me through many twists and turns….I’ve had the “mountain top” experiences, and walked through my share of deserts.  This last year would fall into the latter category.

Living with a chronic illness is somewhat like driving in fog…you can’t see where you are going.  You never know what’s coming.  Making plans for the next month, the next week, or even the next hour is close to impossible.  You make the plans, but you never know if they will come to fruition.  This unavoidable reality has caused me to become very cautious about committing to things that don’t have an “escape hatch”.  I hate to disappoint people, or to cause undue stress for them as they scramble to fill the void that my unexpected absence has created.  This obviously includes employment opportunities, since there usually needs to be some level of consistency in order to keep up with the demands of the position.

Last Fall, I was presented with the opportunity to become an instructor for a curriculum being offered in our local middle/high-schools through a crisis pregnancy center.  The material centers on building and maintaining positive relationships, with an emphasis on abstinence.  I had been following the progress of this program for the last few years, and praising God for its impact on the lives of so many youth in our community.  But I’ve hesitated to get involved due to my health issues.  After a lunch meeting with the coordinator of the program, I decided to go observe a couple of the classes “in action”.  It only took one hour….hook, line and sinker…I was in.  I’ve always had a burden on my heart for youth, but it had been so long since I had been “in the trenches” so to speak that I had forgotten how much I loved them.

So I jumped in with both feet, trusting that if God had called me to this task He would miraculously provide the health it required.  The training was intense and time consuming, but I was so excited, and I was receiving positive feedback regarding my natural teaching ability….so I felt sure I was on the right path.

Unfortunately, the “miraculous provision” didn’t come.  Those weeks of teaching were physically tortuous.  I was constantly popping pills just to get through the day, and it was wreaking havoc on my body (and my life).  But I loved what I was doing…it felt so natural…like I was back in my “groove”.  The kids were so much fun (most of the time J), and the fire in my heart for the message we were bringing to them was consuming me.  I was so confused.  Why had God equipped me, motivated me, and provided the way for me to get involved, if He wasn’t going to remove the physical barrier.  I didn’t know what to do.

I shared my struggles with my supervisor toward the end of the Spring semester, and we decided that we should try and cut back my hours in the Fall.  I didn’t want to stop teaching, but I knew that I needed to accept my limitations.  I was abusing my body, and the strain was causing destruction in all areas of my life and the life of my family. 

As the Summer progressed and the new semester was drawing near, my anxiety grew.  I had a sinking feeling that I had made the wrong decision, and that I needed to pull myself out of the program entirely.  I wrestled with God over this…..I was mad.  I felt empty and disconnected in my relationship with Christ.  I felt alone and defeated.  I was wandering in a “dry and weary land where there is no water” (Psalm 63:1).

Fortunately, I have an anchor of Truth that protects me when the emotional waves are crashing in.  Jesus promised He would always be with me (Matthew 28:20), so I knew that no matter how I felt in the moment, I could trust that His Word was true.  I knew that He would enable me to persevere, and that this period of refinement had a purpose.

“See, I have refined you, though not as silver, I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.”

~Isaiah 48:10~

God had allowed the enemy to attack…to put my faith to the test.  With the destination in mind, He directed me along the path that would prepare and equip me to fulfill His purposes in the days to come.  

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

~Luke 22:31-32~

During this season of drought, I sang a song at our church that clearly revealed the current condition of my heart.  Our pastor referenced the song during his message, as he was describing those times when you feel far away from the Lord.  I remember him saying, “During those times…think back to when you felt close to God.  What were the circumstances in your life?  What were you doing at that time?  Remember when God moved in powerful ways in your life and GO THERE….go back to that place.”  But I wasn’t ready yet….I was still “licking my wounds” so to speak. 

After much thought, prayer, and counseling J…I finally came to the realization that I had to let go of the job.  It broke my heart, but it also brought a tremendous sense of peace.  Once our daughters headed back to school, I decided to slow down and give God access to my heart again.  I was ready to receive the Living Water that had been in my presence all along (John 7:39).

During this time, we finally made the decision to join the 21^st century and invest in high-speed internet service (hallelujah!).  I could relate with Jasmine from the movie Aladdin after her magic carpet ride…it really was A Whole New World!  I was finally able to access resources that were not an option using dial-up. 

As I surfed the cyber waves, I came across a blog written by a woman who also suffers from a chronic illness.  I found her words strangely familiar…as her love and devotion to our mutual Savior saturated every entry.  “That used to be me”, I thought to myself.  “There was a time when I would have said and written those same words…but not right now.”  I knew the expressions of her heart were true…I just wasn’t feeling them.

I began to search for sites where I could engage in discussions with others about my faith… with people that may not have the same beliefs as I did…but showed an interest in having conversations about their faith or lack thereof.  Slowly, God began to fan the small flame in my heart (2 Timothy 1:6).  My hunger for His Word grew, my dependence on Him through prayer intensified, and the joy that had taken a hiatus over the last few months decided to return.  God was directing me back to the place where I felt closest to Him, where He moved with power in my life….I had finally heeded the admonition of my pastor to “GO THERE”.  My journey through the desert was coming to an end.

The end of that journey, and the beginning of the next adventure, has brought me to this place.  I feel closest to my Lord and Savior when I am sharing the joy of that relationship with other people.  And although I have many limitations, God has provided an opportunity for me to share my faith in a way that is flexible, in a way that this fleshly “thorn” will not hinder.  When I accepted my weakness, He showed His grace….

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

~2 Corinthians 12:8-10~

As the year comes to a close, I don’t have any regrets.  I am beginning to see the intentions of God’s heart for me as He walked me through the desert.  He never wastes our pain, and although it’s hard for our western thinking minds to accept….sometimes the painful experiences are actually a blessing from God.  And the Living Water will always be with you….wherever the path may lead.